My last drink was on the night before Halloween, aka Devil’s night, 33 days ago. This was not a rock bottom situation by any means, but the following day I had one of my wicked hangovers that took me out for pretty much the entire day (and sometimes carried on to the next). I don’t know if it’s my age, my body being sensitive or just alcohol doing what alcohol does best but my hangovers were becoming epic in the worst of ways (interrupted sleep, anxious thoughts, an abundance of shame, word vomit regret, actual vomit, trying to piece together conversations, rapid heartbeat, zero appetite, low blood sugar, staying in bed all day while the husband does everything and the kids probably assume I am sick, the list goes on).

I don’t typically have more than a handful of hangovers a year because the bad memories are deeply ingrained for a month or two, but eventually the visions of laying in bed all day on a Sunday feeling like a sack of shit, fade away and I get a bit too comfortable. Those five drinks I had on Devil’s night were enough to make what should have been a wonderful holiday with my adorable kids and husband a day I couldn’t wait to be finished with. I pushed through and showed up for my family, despite wanting to crawl back into bed and pretend like I wasn’t hungover on a holiday, but it was a day I won’t easily forget. I felt so much shame for having to muster up enthusiasm, which typically comes to me by the bucketful without any effort on my part. That day, I decided I would never be hungover on a holiday again. With that decision made, I knew I would then have to give up alcohol all together since I know how devious a glass of bubbly (or four) can be.

Since then, I have experienced a wealth of positive developments from dropping the drinking habit. I suspect that if I was drinking more than my two nights a week, the pleasant side effects would have been even more substantial. So now that I’ve divulged what motivated me to stop drinking, I will share with you my sober gains:

Energetic Mornings

Every. Single. Morning. That right there is what makes me never want to re-invite alcohol into my life again. I am obsessed with waking up each and every day never having to walk around carefully, wondering if the dreaded hangover is going to sweep me off my feet (literally, not romantically) or if I’ve gotten away with my drinking unscathed. I am quite obsessed with my morning routine, and when I would have just a couple drinks, I would often forgo this sacred ritual (a bit much? Nah…) in exchange for another hour or so of sleep. Days without my alone time in the morning just never feel right to me and I think everyone in my family would agree that were all happier when mama gets to drink her coffee alone in peace and quiet.

Mental Legroom

One thing I never recognized about drinking was how it left little mental energy for other pursuits. The goal for Friday night was to find a beverage and take it easy now that the weekend had arrived. If Saturday started to lag by late afternoon, a fancy cocktail would perk us right up and the fun would begin once again. It was a quick solution to an insidious problem. The problem of complacency. The problem of settling. Earning my drinks felt like enough after a long week during an especially long year and my creative mind was dulled with each sip. This is simply adulthood, I would say to myself. It is easy to believe when everyone and their mom is drinking excessively and encouraging others to do the same.

Breaking this cycle of drinking every weekend woke me up to what I was forgoing by drinking. Now that I don’t have the easy escape drinking provides, I am forced to engage with my own imagination. It is like reawakening to my childhood daydreaming self. I am flooded with ideas of things I want to pursue with my life. I have started up this blog once again which has been a goal of mine for these past few years, yet I never pulled the trigger on it. I am learning more about personal finance and getting deep into my budget and my goals once again. I day dream about the future, imagining hiking new trails or disc golfing new courses. I have room to stretch out my ideas about myself and about my future. I don’t know how alcohol stunted my creative mind but I truly feel high on life now, despite being ridiculously sober.

I Like Myself More

I’ve never had a problem with not liking myself, but nights where I drank too much with friends was starting to change that. A lot of the post drinking anxiety I had was about things I said or ways I acted when hanging out with friends. When I drink, I interrupt more than usual (which is saying something), reveal a bit more about my life than my sober self appreciates, and ask personal questions that would make anyone squirm in their seats. While I like that I get the conversation going in directions others would typically veer away from, even I wince at some of the topics I have brought up at gatherings around a fire. Since quitting the booze, I have tested out my sober self in social settings and was impressed with the outcome. I was still funny (I was hoping this wasn’t alcohol induced and I was right)! I listened as people spoke! I interrupted less (still working on this one)! I had wonderful, meaningful conversations and best of all, I remembered them the following morning. I remember looking at myself in the bathroom mirror during one of these sober hang outs and seeing my ridiculous smile staring back at me. I was down right proud of myself and had nothing to beat myself up over as I went to sleep that night. What a relief to like who I am more without the added influence of alcohol.

Unconventional Bad Ass Status

Okay, maybe that is not the first thought to come to mind when you think of someone who has given up alcohol, but maybe it should be. What is more unconventionally bad ass than being an adult that doesn’t drink? I used to always think that the only adults that would choose a sober life did so because they were alleyway pissing, front lawn parking, liver diseased drunks. Boy was I wrong. Plenty of people choose to not drink without hitting a rock bottom first (not that it even matters whether or not there is a rock bottom situation). Why was this so hard for me to wrap my mind around? I’ve always respected people that think for themselves. People that live their lives intentionally and think independently, without worrying about what others might think. Why didn’t I give the same respect to those that chose the sober life? A lesson I will continuously learn until the day I die is that I am often wrong, even when (especially when) I am so sure I am right. I was wrong to wonder what crazy night led to someone quitting booze. I was wrong to feel sorry for people that had to give up the juice. I was wrong to not recognize that people who give up alcohol are often bad ass mother fuckers that are living their best lives and don’t need your sympathy.

Present for my Kids

At social events in the past, I was so consumed with the energy that comes along with drinking socially that I wasn’t very focused on my kids. Not that I need to focus on my kids 100% of the time, I’m not a psycho, but I am their mama and I take that job pretty seriously. The truth is, I would feel torn. I am naturally anxious when it comes to my kids and their health/well being and so when I drink, my anxiety increases as my attention is torn between kicking back and relaxing with my friends and keeping an eye on my kiddos. All of these feelings were exasperated because of covid. It takes a lot of mental energy to try to get your four and seven year olds to social distance from friends they rarely get to see while also maintaining conversations with adults. Add a few gin and tonics to the mix and get ready for an olympic level challenge. I would leave those gatherings completely exhausted, needing a week at home to recover. Now, things are quite different. When sober, I am able to continue those conversations while keeping an eye on the kids playing in the background. My antenna is activated and I can sense how my kids are doing.

I remember one of our first outdoor get togethers when I substituted tea for corona, where one of my kids was struggling with a social situation. Instead of being unaware, I saw what was going on and helped her navigate the situation. I know this sounds like I’m congratulating myself on being a helicopter parent, but this year of isolation has taken away heaps of social practice my kids would have had if they were seeing their peers at school and so I am extra sympathetic to their struggles. Plus, someone needs to show them the ropes of socially awkward situations and I feel up for the job (being the awkward-monger that I am, I feel well trained). Once we returned home, I asked my daughter how she ended up dealing with the issue that came up and she told me a snippet about how she stood up for herself and others. I could hardly believe my ears. My child who used to be extremely shy is learning how to speak up for herself and others, even if it’s uncomfortable to do so. What a big moment that was. A moment I would have missed completely had I been blinded by my own tipsiness. A situation that could have easily ended up in tears and hurt feelings morphed into one of pride and self development.

Aside from being present for my kids emotionally, I am also sober AF and thus can deal with any emergency situation that comes up. Maybe this isn’t something other parents worry themselves over, but my anxiety settles down to a quiet hum when I know I am able to help my kids if and when they need me. Being sober is also quite useful when they wake up in the middle of the night because they had a nightmare and are needing a little extra love and care to get back to sleep. Boy does it feel good to show up for them when they need me most and not feel resentful because I am tired from drinking until 1am.

Unapologetically Me

I have never been a late night partier at heart. While I did my best to do just that in my 20s to keep up with my friends, I often was the one that fell asleep on the couch while everyone continued the festivities. I remember being excited when I got pregnant because it meant I had an excuse to go home early when I was tired or just worn the fuck out. I knew from that moment on, I wouldn’t have the same pressure on me to stay out and “have fun” and it was a huge relief. At 36, I am ready to give up the façade of being a rowdy late night socializer and instead, embrace the inner nerd that has been quietly waiting her turn in the spotlight. Honoring myself in this way feels authentic and invigorating. I can’t wait to see what the future holds now that I’ve shed this skin that was never truly mine in the first place.

Are you thinking about taking a break from drinking? What is holding you back? What positive changes can you conjure up in your brain when you imagine your life, booze free?