My New Year’s Resolution this year is singular but can be explained in a variety of ways. Protect my energy. Take care of my own needs. Stop assuming responsibility for other peoples’ emotions. Put an end to people pleasing. Be okay with being selfish. Every time I take action along these lines, I am astounded by the freedom it affords me. You mean I don’t have to attempt to change the moods of my children when they are upset? Instead I can just listen and be there for them? I can listen to my friend’s problems without attempting to find a solution? I can ask myself what I want out of the weekend instead of first ensuring that my kids and husband have what they need first? Mind blowing stuff.

I have spent a lot of time lately trying to understand what formed my people pleasing ways and why some people have this tendency while others don’t. As we often do when trying to understand who we are, I looked back at my childhood. I was raised in a religious community that named usefulness as a high priority and as a rule follower, I took this lesson seriously. I was taught to be kind and to help others and that selfishness was an undesirable quality to say the least. I wanted so badly to be good. In elementary school, I volunteered to show the new students around our school and did everything I could to make sure they were comfortable and enjoyed their day. I would write and self laminate encouraging quotes and hide them around town, tucking them between cushions at the local coffee shops, determined to make the world a better place (possible foreshadowing that one day I would be a blogger, perhaps?). If my parents had a disagreement, I remember asking them to hug. I was a happy kid and wanted everyone else to feel happy too. I took it upon myself to help them in all the ways without them ever asking this of me.

As a parent, the lines of how much to help gets fuzzy. We are responsible for our helpless babies and it’s our job to meet their needs. They cry, and we are meant to respond with the answer: a diaper, our breast, comforting movements, attention or entertainment. As they get older and become more able, we are meant to slowly transfer these responsibilities to them. They learn to feed themselves, put themselves to sleep, solve their own playground disputes. If we are doing a good job of parenting, we teach them the tools to self-soothe when their emotions get the best of them (still working on this one). We are meant to encourage their autonomy and loosen the reigns we’ve been gripping in hopes of directing them towards a happy and fulfilled life. This is a lesson I am continuously learning these days. A mantra of motherhood: let go, let go, let go.

Two years ago, I had the opportunity to help solve a bigger than usual problem, and I jumped at the chance to make a difference with my life. I became a gestational carrier (surrogate) and delivered my nephew just over a year ago. It felt incredible to do something important that helped people I love with a problem that had plagued them for years. I recently got the chance to attend his first birthday party and it was a joy to see him thriving and loved by so many friends and family. While I will always view this experience as one of the highlights of my life, it also illuminated my life long habit of giving more than taking. The pendulum of selflessness was in full swing and I was ready to bring it back to a more balanced center. To do this, I would probably need to overcorrect at first and attempt to rebrand the term ‘selfish’ in my own mind as a good thing.

In our culture, we celebrate empathy without giving it the warning label it deserves. The Oxford dictionary defines empathy as ‘the ability to imagine and understand the thoughts, perspective, and emotions of another person’. While I am thankful to have this skill, it is necessary that I build boundaries to protect myself from pushing past the ‘understanding of others’ emotions’ to attempting to alter said emotions. This is new for me and it takes a lot of practice to retrain my brain in this way.

An eye opening moment happened for me in December of 2022 when a friend reposted @haileypaigemagee’s post about taking on other peoples’ emotions. Here is what coach Hailey wrote that day:

I read this and then reread it. I contemplated what I was taking away from others when I took on their emotions. I considered what I could gain from not taking on their emotions. I went back to this post the following day and took a screen shot so that I could keep it in my files. It felt as if she was speaking directly to me, at a time when I desperately needed to hear these words. This was when I decided to make 2023 the year where I would protect my own energy and break my people pleasing ways.

One thing I am working on is being more comfortable with conflict and the unhappy vibes of others. I remember ‘joking’ with a childhood friend about how we were like chameleons in our friendships. We had a variety of friend groups throughout our lives and we could morph into whoever we needed to be to fit into those groups. At the time, I felt proud of this ‘skill’ but looking back, I see how it was another product of my people pleasing ways. I was determined for people to like me and would do whatever it took to make that the reality. While I still have a lot of work to do in this regard, I am getting more comfortable every day with being true to myself and not worrying so much about how others perceive me. I am excited for a future in which I put more energy into making sure I am happy instead of ensuring that those around me are in good spirits. In the end, we will all be better off when we take responsibility for ourselves and let go of the rest (unless you are taking care of a helpless infant that is).