I have noticed a pattern in myself. As an enthusiastic mama, I sometimes let my aspirations get ahead of me which results in me feeling overwhelmed and exhausted with no one to blame but my own energetic self. It took me a long time to recognize that I was the one creating that overwhelming, anxious feeling at the end of the day. I knew my intentions were good, so how could the outcome of my actions end in me about to lose it if another person needed my attention?
Let me paint you a picture so you can understand the rabbit-hole situations I get myself into. When my kids’ schools closed because of the corona virus back in March, I was pumped to try my hand at homeschooling since I’d always been curious about it but didn’t have the balls (are we saying ovaries yet?) to actually do it. When St. Patrick’s Day rolled around the following week, I decided to make the most of the day by researching some projects to do with the kids. Now, a normal person would pick one project that didn’t involve too much effort on the parent’s end and call it a day. I wish I could say that was me, but alas, I cannot. My plan was to do an I’m Lucky project (thank you Pinterest), bake cookies (AND ice them with homemade green icing of course), make leprechaun hats, AND last but not least… do this walking rainbow science experiment which my daughter’s teacher kindly recommended. Writing all of that out is quite a cathartic experience for me. In hindsight, of course that is too much for one mama to do with her three and six year olds! I don’t know how I convinced myself that that wouldn’t overwhelm me and possibly even the kids.
If that is not enough, let me take you even deeper into my overachieving mom brain. Let’s start with the cookies. If I wanted to make cookies and ice them, I should have just done all the work of making them on my own and then let the kids add some sprinkles at the end since that is every kids’ favorite part of cookie making. Oh no. When my kids asked if they could help make the cookies I begrudgingly said yes. Now if this was all we were doing that day, it would have been all well and good, but letting them help at every step along the way was just too much on a day when we were doing all these projects. Just look at the pic of my daughter practicing her pot holder skills- adorable but maybe didn’t need to happen that day. Not pictured is me pulling out the icing decorating kit with it’s abundant tip options. Did I pick just one tip or did I let the kids try a handful of options in order to make it more ‘fun’? You guessed it! Now you are beginning to understand.
Moving on to the walking rainbow science experiment. I couldn’t just do the experiment and let them bask in the wonder and the curiosity science has to offer. I had to pull up a YouTube video of why the water seems to defy gravity and travel up the paper towels (a process called capillary action. Oh my god Abby, you’re doing it again!) so that they could get the full educational experience. As if dealing with the dyes and the jussst right paper towel placement wasn’t enough, I had to put on my science teacher hat as well. Enough is enough!
Now, take a look at the I’m Lucky project we did. Do you care that I wrote out the “I AM LUCKY” letter’s on my son’s picture? OF COURSE YOU DON’T! Did I? You betchya! As I wrote them out, I thought guiltily to myself ‘You really should let him try to write out the letters. He isn’t going to preschool anymore so you should give him the opportunity to practice here at home. Remember you are basically his teacher now’. Holy hell Abby, chill the F out! It is insane that I even have these thoughts in the first place. If I saw another mom doing any aspect of what I took on that day, I would be impressed and give her a pat on the back and tell her she deserved some time to herself afterwards. Why couldn’t I treat myself in the same supportive and loving way?
Alright, so now you have some understanding of how my insane mind works. It is really challenging for me to not take every opportunity to embrace teaching my kids about the world around them and I just don’t know when to stop. But wait, you will be happy to hear that I am learning to balance this desire to engage with my kids with time spent ignoring them and doing things solely for myself. I truly believe it is best for everyone under our roof if I spend chunks of time during the day not attending to their every need or thought and instead, focus in on me and my aspirations. Since my kids have been home with me now for almost ten months, I have had lots of practice with this balancing act and although I still have plenty to learn, I am on the way to a less overwhelmed, less overachieving lifestyle.
Which brings me to today- the real reason I decided to create this post in the first place. I spent the morning finishing my book (Open Book by Jessica Simpson) on the treadmill while my daughter had an asynchronous learning day and my son bounced around the house doing who knows what (JK I do know. For one thing he played the card game war by himself and came and told me every time he won). Around lunch time, we realized that the first snowfall was coming down. We watched in awe out my daughter’s window and it was a magical moment. I considered getting out my daughter’s microscope and figuring out how to look at the snow close up without it melting but I quickly realized we didn’t have time for that today. Instead, I pulled up pictures on my phone of zoomed in snowflakes and my kids could hardly believe it. These moments of parenthood are what it’s all about. I love that I get to be the one that teaches my children about snowflakes and in the process, I am amazed all over again by the miracle that is a snowflake (I mean seriously, isn’t it insane how beautiful and unique each one is?). While the kids ate, I borrowed my daughter’s macro lens for phones (affiliated link) and took some pictures and videos of the snowflakes. While it might sound like another “Abby going down the rabbit hole” situation, it was more like me doing exactly the kind of thing I love to do. (You know you want to watch a video of the snowflakes!) Yes, I had the thoughts go through my head that I should go get my daughter so she can photograph them, but I denied that thought and embraced the moment by myself. It was a blast.
When I came back inside, I went upstairs to show my daughter the picture and I found her making a snowflake. We had talked about making them today but didn’t get around to it. When she was done she showed her dad and said “Look what I made! I did it all by myself!”. She was so proud of herself and once again, I was reminded of the importance of letting go and giving my kids time and space to explore the wonders of the world without my constant attention. After lunch, the kids played out in the flurries while I took some photos of them with my camera. Learning to feed my own interests and needs while also supporting my kid’s in a plethora of ways is a balancing act that I will always be working on, but today was a good reminder that I have come a long way from that day ten months ago.
MAKE THE DAMN BED 